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have you ever wondered? why...
have you ever wondered? why you're doing all of the things you're doing?
i've always been the type to ask questions no one can answer really. i keep observing my environment, placing myself in different corners to look at it from various angles over time, and these questions just come rushing into my mind with no intention to leave it again. that's just the way i am.
i've heard many things about myself. some say, i'm a lively person who's never out of words and laughs. others say that, behind my happy face, there's a constantly busy mind that's pondering over anything whatsoever. my teachers said i was very skilled and always scratched below the surface. distant acquaintances claim i'm arrogant. older friends think i'm mature. younger friends think i'm a total kid. my godmother says i'm a restless girl who's always running away from herself - literally. the internet says i'm a sanguine person to 76% and a melancholic one to 74% (though i'm still trying to figure out how that actually works, adding up to 150% and all). for all i know i can't place myself in any kind of group. if i'd have to, i'd say that half of me belongs to the creative side of life - i love to write, take photographs, read, dedicate myself to music and poetry. the other half belongs to the world of fun - i'm never alone, i'm usually swimming in an ocean of people, and i rarely miss an opportunity to go out and dance.
who i am i might not know exactly, but i know what i do. i'm a student of english literature and linguistics. when i'm not at university, i work at starbucks in order to finance my studies. when i'm not doing that, i run from one appoinment to the other, i talk to people and utter a thousand words without actually telling them who i am. i'm good at that one. i do sit in trains, listening to depressing melodies over my headphones, watching the rain scatter on the window glass while the outside world flies by. the next minute i get off the vehicle, spot a friend and smile as if there were no dark corners in my thoughts. i procrastinate and try to bear the pressure of papers that are to write, books that are to read, coffees that are to serve. and what i also do is, i think about all i do, and wonder why i'm doing it.
why am i a student of english literature and linguistics? why do i read those many books i'm required to read? why do i work so hard in order to be able to afford education? --- to make sure that in half a decade from now i'll get a great job and earn a lot of money (and what if i don't believe money gives happiness?)? to find the logic behind life somdeay? to teach other people about what i know? to escape the fate my parents are caught in, looking for happiness among property, dead material and habitual silence? --- why do i do it?
and then another, more pressing question pops up in front of my eyes. why don't i just leave it? who tells me i'm not better off if i don't know as much, don't know all of these books, all of these theories...? do i need them to know my own heart? wouldn't i be just as happy if i left all of this behind, left this place and spent my life humbly, but happily working a simple job, in a place far away.........?
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Comments
You are a unique individual indeed. You have the potential to be despite. Don't let it go...whatever the consequences. Just be glad that you are not in a country where such a trait is looked upon as 'troublesome'. Keep on with your Self. There's not many like you in the world. I'm heartened to know you exist. Truly am. It is obvious that one half of your mind is like a self-powered computer that tabulates and dissects anything the sense of your subjective half chances upon. That is indeed a gift....and a curse, as you will see devils in what others confuse for angels.
Wishing you the best,
ed
Ha ez gad din itrag glese... mir hend jo scho am do chli drüber gredet gha... aber wa sich mir ez für e frog stellt isch, öbs denn so wichtig isch wad bisch. aso öb da so muesch chöne definiere, öb da öpper anders mue chöne definiere... öb ez du 74% melanchonisch bisch oder öppis anders... eigentlich chunts doch gar nöd so druffa... du bisch eh eifach du, und du bisch guet so, du bisch echt super, und wohrschindli niemer wo di besser kennt wött dassd irgendwie andersch bisch. und wenn dir jede öppis anders seit wad bisch, denn lits wohrschindli nu dra, dass di jede halt us emene andere blickwinkel erlebt, jede öppis anders am meiste gseht. wohrschindlich bisch eifach vo allem chli öppis... aber ebe, chunts druffa wie mä dem ez seit? du bisch eifach anabel, und zwar 100% (oder 150%...;-))
und wegem worum, worum mir da mached... i weiss nöd öb uf da ä antwort findsch... dä mensch isch eifach gwohnheitstier, und irgendwie isches für üs eifach klar gsi, dass mir studiere werded, aber worum...? wohrschindlich wells üs interessiert, wells irgend en reiz het, und au wenn dä reiz zum öppis anders z mache glich gross wär, isch s studiere eifach noheligender als s uswandere... aber eigenlich weissis au nöd...:-) villicht finded mirs jo irgendwenn no use... und suss hoffed mir eifach, dasses trotzdem guet chunt!
ha di mega gern, heb dir sorg, gell! kuss
so, da wärs ez glaub definitiv! :-) kuss